Oh my G**

I have recently realised that throughout the course of my life, I have lived with an unaddressed inner conflict.  

I am sure I don't suffer alone, for I see many others stumble awkwardly when the same situation arises. 

Is there some holy book of laws that has failed to reach me? Are some people born with the wisdom that allows them to negotiate the issue that perplexes me so?

What does one say instead of 'Oh my God' whilst conversing with a Christian?

'Golly gosh' sounds twee and grandma-esque, 'far out' is too coarse, and all other alternatives seem to include expletives.

Lord, give me a sign!

Avoiding blasphemy- 0/5

Please feel free to comment suggestions!

The gym

If you told me I would be a gym person in the past, I would have laughed in your face.

"Gym people are bronze and shiny and vain!", I would have said.  "Why coop yourself up in a sweaty, grunty room with So Fresh 2005 pumping, when you could be honing your abs in the privacy of your own home?"

But on a whim, I got myself a membership.  And I am slowly eating my words (with a scoop of protein powder, of course). 

You see I didn't realise that in a town of 800, chances are you will be the only one there. No-one to perspire all over the exercise ball until it resembles Bert Newton's head! No-one to correct your squatting style! No-one to put you off with alarming birth-giving moans!

And I can blast Carly Rae Jepsen without a soul to judge me.

The gym: 3.5/5

Short, just as sweet

Hello faithful and adulterous followers alike.

I have decided that Jane Rates You. reviews will now be limited to 150 words.  I have a serious rambling issue, and I fear that if I remain unrestricted you may end up faced with theses on my new doona cover, or my thoughts on double denim. (Which by the way, I am quite partial to.)

I hope you can support me in this new endeavour and appreciate my attempts to present convenient,  read-on-the-go reviews that enrich your lives in a way that no other pointless amateur blog can.

With much love, and less words,

Jane x

Onesies

Synthetic, sweaty, hairy suit

Crocodile, crayon, bear or fruit

Grown adults dressing like their kids

What next, blokes eating steak in bibs?

And of course, all made in China

The quality couldn't be much finer

I'd rather wear a suit of turd

Than be seen clad as an angry bird

Onesies- onesie/5

Hockey

Hockey, you are the ultimate proof that love hurts.

Black eye? Check.

Fist-sized bruises? Check.

Some crazy elbow injury that has made my arm tingle continuously for the past ten hours? Check.

Hockey, I think it's fair to say that our relationship has been of quite the violent type thus far. Don't deny it; everyone's seen the telltale bruises.

But oh, how I love you. The adrenaline, the fire, the irresistible lure of danger, the chance to look death in the eye (ok, not quite) all keep me coming back for more.

Actually, I'd say 'passionate' would be a good substitute for 'violent'.

Hockey: 4.5/5 - there's a fiine, fiine line between pleasure and pain!

Sorry.

My sister

Tessa Ellen what can I say,

You're the kind of sister 

who would blow out the candles 

On my birthday

You're the kind of sister

That would fart in the car

Or take a mediocre joke

Just a bit too far

But enough with the chaste

You can be kinda rad-

Like nailing the comebacks

When Dad's being Dad

Like watching Rage with me

'til all hours of the night

Or making me think that

My cooking's outta sight

You've taught me a lot

More than I'd like to admit

Love you forever

But remember your collection of snot?

My sister- 5/5 (anything less and I'd be in trouble) 

xx

Ruddy Kev

I used to think Kevin Rudd was an ok bloke. 

He signed the Kyoto Protocol, said sorry to the Stolen Generation, and inspired the Chaser's genius 'Stairway to Kevin'.

But today I realised just what a slimy piece of work he really is. Asylum seekers coming by boat to Australia will never step foot on the 'lucky country'; instead, Kev thought it would be a grand idea to bribe the under-developed, desperate, and politically corrupt Papua New Guinea to take them in. 

Dumping these marginalised humans in a country with a myriad of its own problems, whilst Australia continues to enjoy its status as one if the most economically stable, healthy, and liveable nations in the world? When already, we take on just a fraction of the asylum seekers accepted by the USA, Great Britain, and even countries such as Sudan and Jordan? Really, Kev, really?

Wipe off that 'smug nerdy smirk' - we all know this is just a ploy to gain the votes of conservative patriots.

I'd love to see an Australian leader start acting like a conscientious world citizen, but it looks like I might have to climb a stairway to heaven to find such a thing.

 http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5dXwv4i6I_c&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D5dXwv4i6I_c

K Rudd: -1/5

My Stairway to Heaven pun: -2/5

'Stairway to Kevin'- 5/5